Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Fire Tower






I had just finished eating my McDonalds, mouth still dank and warm from the chewing of the burger, when I looked across to the driver’s seat and saw Hilary’s face, and the scowl that sat on her face like a reluctant mask, I knew she was upset that I’d bought McDonalds, I knew she was furious I’d eaten the burger because of all the effort she had put into the making of the sandwich and other surprise dishes for the trip, and I knew she’d get off Scot-free in 9 out if 10 court room trials if she killed me for not also buying her a burger or some fries or an ice tea the way she likes it (sugarless and devoid of taste.) I knew all this before I ate the burger but still defiantly, like a child or an abused dog, I ate the burger because who is my girlfriend to tell me when and where and under what extraneous conditions I can eat my mother fucking McDouble.
“Are you going to pout the whole drive?” I ask with vile terseness, the sort that has and will continue to beget arguments ranging in intensity from tawdry recreational-bouts to ‘I’m packing my fucking shit up and calling my mother to come get me you pig.’.
“Just shut up Otis.” Hillary says, index and thumb fingers massaging her the bridge of her nose. Her skin is graham cracker brown but sometimes, without any accurate explanation I've been able to concoct in the last 4 years of our on courtship, her digits will go ghost pale, as if the blood in her fingers freeze.
“I’m serious, I was hungry and we have literally a 3 hour fucking drive. What did you ant me to do starve?”
“Correction I have a 3 hour drive, you have a 3 hour time to nap and make eyes at women in sedans.”
“That was one fucking time and I tell you literally every time you bring that up, which is tortuously often, that she looked like my cousin my family hasn't seen in 2 years.” Which was true, the woman did look my cousin Shawn, but there wasn't any real inkling in my head that the woman I saw in that sedan was Shawn, I was in fact, regrettably (but only to a point) looking at her cleavage which was ample and prosperous and usually I stop myself but the fact that she looked like my cousin combined with the sheer magnitude of those most stupendous tits made a shameful, exotic, erotic cocktail that my weak brain couldn't (Nor really wanted to.) resist.
“Whatever Otis we are getting on 87 and you know how much I hate highways so please just give me a fucking break, I can wear my face however I want, so just leave me alone and enjoy your burger.” She sends me that last verbal knife and it cuts but not deep enough for me to continue, after all she is driving, I opted out because I’m a little weary of 87. Last time I drove down 87 I had a flat tire and my decrease in speed coupled with the distinct lack of awareness of the material, physical realm (He was on his phone) of some jackass named Roger Welda lead to me being violently rear ended. The collision that lead to a fractured wrist that swelled and morphed to the size and hue of a grapefruit. While in my hospital bed, Hilary talked to me, like she hadn't in years, about her Dad and Mom and her new hobby of knitting and how when she was in college she’d do headstands while reading school books because it made her feel like an ‘efficient ass bitch’. I watched her small mouth, never opening too wide but articulating fully. Her lips, full but not bulbous, looking slightly like duck bills and slightly the curved line that divides yin from yang. I saw them as thoroughly kissable and magnificent and for the rest of the night, long after patient visitation hours were over and Hilary had driven to our apartment, I thought of those lips and the their peach color and soft majesty and the all the sudden the agonizing sensation of a wrist full of splintered bones didn't bother me so thoroughly. I’m sure the Hydrocodone drip and hospital bed blowjob played their fair share in my recovery as well.
We’re on the first hour of the trip cruising on 87 and we haven’t said a word which isn't the most ideal way to start what was intended to be a restorative excursion to an un-meddled by human hands, tranquil, woodland paradise known as the Catskill Forest Preserve. When I moved  to the east coast 5 years ago from the Midwest I’d  heard the name Catskill’s mentioned in various contexts and it always seemed like it had a faint familiarity, like a song you hear in an elevator know the chorus to but aren't quite sure where you've heard before. She proposed it the trip four days after returning from wherever the fuck she went after our big fight. My natural reaction was distinct aversion, 3 days in the woods sounded terrible. Terribly dull, terribly dirty, terribly inconveniencing, terribly Caucasian, just plain terrible. But in order to fix things that are severely (fatally) damage, one must withstand terrible circumstances, like paying a swindling mechanic to fix a carburetor or allowing the pimple faced intern to send not-so- sly-but he thinks are very sly- insults at you as he fixes the Xerox machine.  We must endure unsavory things for the betterment of one’s personal standing.
Hilary love’s camping, loves nature, loves animals and insects and I’m sure would choose to be reincarnated as a tree rather than a Saudi princess or Amazon Warrior. She is a child of the tree’s, she’s the Lorax’s hot sister. (Mustache and Danny Devito voice included.)The Catskills were her idea, having been only once as a small girl, her mother took her and her brother for a Parent-Kid bonding weekend that completely changed the families’ paradigm after the father took his third and what would be his final impromptu, unannounced, motorcycle pilgrimage to visit a brother no one had ever met in Alaska. Having a dad leave on a motorcycle vacation is one thing, having that dad abandon a family of 3 without a goodbye or clear reason, instead leaving 35,000 dollars in a shoe box on the bed is a whole other. They struggled that first year without their father, even though to hear her tell it he was always sort of a shit bag; inconsiderate, harsh, absent even when he was around, but still, a kids need a father and a mother needs someone to help lighten the load, both financially and when the endless menagerie of bullshit two teenagers can conjure. At any rate she claims that 6 days and 5 nights in the Catskills repaired what could have been a tragic reality of a broken home. And if it can mend family ties, it has to be able to mend what we have.
“Look at that!” She says as she reaches for the nob to turn the radio down. (The radio; whose music to play and when to play it was another volatile issue that could have catapulted us into a verbal melee so for sake of shaky peace I decided to relinquish control of the tunes to her. Mature of me, isn't it?)
“At what Hilary?” I mutter, not feeling like matching her energy, even though I could, and should and would have if my head wasn't so far up ass.
“That!” She sang, her voice concise, full of feminine edge.
I look over through her window and we are zooming past a road side stand of some sort with a large ceramic Native American in front of it. The statue is about two stories high and is missing a leg from the knee down. Yet there it stood, as I can only assume it as been for a great long time.
Hillary turns her head sharply and looks at me with a child-like glee. She is sick of being mad, she is beckoning me to be as well.
“What do you think his name is?” I ask, cracking a smile myself that I hope doesn't look fake because I’m not faking it, I’m happy I just don’t know how to smile.
“Hmmmm…Travis.” She says unsure, now with both eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel.
“Nah, Travis is too cool a name for a one legged Indian.”
“Mark?”
“Mark is too white a name for an Indian.”
“Yeah but who knows Native American names.” She says with a sneer.
“They used Animal names I think. Like little bear or black fish and something.”
“Oh where did you learn that from? Some cartoon when you were a kid.”
“No really that what they used I think.” I reach back to where I’d heard this bit of information, and I’m almost certain she was right, that it had been a cartoon but I say nothing.
“They probably called him flamingo.” She says thoughtfully, eyes level on the road.
“Why flamingo?” I ask.
“Because the way he stands reminded them of the way flamingos stand, on one leg in the water.”
I let out a pleased sounding introspective grunt. She leaves the radio on low for awhile longer, hoping I say something. But I’m tongue tied, I consider saying something about eating a flamingo, or talking about Native Americans more, or something about how her legs have a brown tint like egg rolls fried to perfection and how she has a smile better than a hundred dollar bill found in your pants before you put them in the wash, but it all seems shallow and pedantic and grossly insensitive given my transgressions (The ones that brought us to this trip). So I let the silence bubble until she turns the volume back up, unsatisfied with me. Almost more than I am.
Three toll booths, four highway wrecks and a piss break at a Sunoco later and the only thing we have said in the car of substance was “You should change out of your work clothes. I bought you some more comfortable  camping attire.  Its in the red duffel bag in the back seat.” I oblige her and before too long I’m out of my Fred Perry sweater and into some blue, ventilated shorts that come up a little above the knee, an orange tee shirt with a cartoon of a duck repelling down a rock wall and some red hiking shoes and ankle socks. She smiles breezily at me, potentialy because of the similarities in our outfits; She wears a red under-armor with shorts and red shoes. Her hair is tied into a bun that resembles an obsidian birds nest. Stray, wavy strands poking out at random, she looks bookish, she looks literary. And in many she is literary; her appearance is something akin to a dream I had as a little boy, looking at racially ambiguous children actors and rueing the fact that there were no girls that looked like that outside of a Hollywood production studio. She’s short with with curly hair and skinny limbs and one time I saw her stretch her skinny arms over her head as she woke up and it made her head seem adorably gigantic. Modest hips but surprisingly plump ass, good breasts, and perfect areolas. She has a birthmark on her right elbow. It splotchy like eczema but the pattern is identical to the Galapagos islands.
She’s unique, anal-retentive about covers, blows her nose in her palms in the showers. Sometimes she wakes up whimpering and it’s a sound that could break any heart. She’s trouble, but life is trouble and she is my life, well sometimes.
It’s nearing dusk when we first see the rolling mountains, they look like humps in the backs of giants. It’s fairly majestic looking. How the sun erupts over the mountains like foam out of a champagne bottle. How the wings of the birds arch and fall and look like mouths smiling and frowning in bi-polar glory. Hilary puts her hand on her thigh and I grab it from her. I feel a warmth like a flare or a fire or a bag of popcorn. I’m happy, for the first time maybe in weeks.
After a short drive through a pathetic looking town we pull into a camp ground.  We pay $85 for a parking voucher for three days.  As we unload the car I survey the area. Cars of all makes and models and colors and conditions make up the population of the lot.  We strap back packs on, I’m carrying the tent we bought for the occasion, it’s a four person with this conveit little interior for zipper for dirty shoes. The packs were heavy, sleeping bags, pots and kettles, ponchos, two pairs of boots, toilet tries, a flash light that could easily double. I felt the weight, and I’m 5 ‘9 and relatively strong for a man my size. I cant imagine she packed our packs much differently, maybe 5 pound difference, maybe she even decided to pack her bag the heaviest, knowing that if my bag was too heavy I’d complain and bitch and say something hurtful, that’s the type of person she is, a person who is willing to bare the weight for what she believes in.
Shes got a brown paper bag that looks like it has weight on it. I’m excited to see what she made for food. On our first date she made me chicken nuggets in spaghetti sauce. She blamed it on college living but that’s hardly an excuse. I didn't hate it, but she shamed her so for it I thought that maybe I should. She’s come along way since that first dinner, since that first day. From nuggets in sauce to whatever deliciousness was in the bag. From being my student in my Thursday poetry writing class to the woman I’d signed the lease to a two flat in Brooklyn with. From that girl to this woman.
Fuck what have I done? How did we get here?
The forest has an undeniable charm, the crunch of leaves, the foreign, yet unmistakably earthy sounds that emits from the woods like the faint echo of lapping waves in a conch.
“There are a lot of couples it seems.” She says, reaching back to grab my hand. I was going to reach in my pocket for a Marlboro but the warm grip of her hand a this time seems more appealing than sweet stench of a doom stick. She tells me that she wants our own private land, where no one can see or hear us, so we hike east. I make a comment about visiting the Catskills winery that she waves off. I look at the brown bag she has tucked under her arm. I’m sure amongst the food there is some sort of alcoholic beverage. A bottle of Merlot, or a sixer of high life. Something to whet my pallet, to get the old talk-muscle going, something to help me get over the silence that I struggle with sometimes. Especially on this trip, especially when I’m certain this is our last chance to fix what we have.
What’s broken you ask? Well the short answer is trust, but short answers would be unfair in a story this long. I met Hilary at NYU, where I teach creative writing and poetry and must recently a copy writing class because the administration didn't like the “flow of my work load” so they gave me three bullshit copy writing classes. At any rate, I met Hilary her sophomore year. NYU is host to a slew of beautiful undergrads, from all around the known world, and while I’ve been enticed by a uncovered thigh here or a giggle there, I’ve never been moved to act until I met Hilary.
Her writing was layered and often sad and the class really respected her work. During my mid-semester one on one workshops with the students (A thing us creative writing teachers do in lieu of a midterm.) I was a tad drunk from a lunch meeting I had with a few other professors in the department (Another thing we creative writing teachers do in lieu of responsibility and professionalism.) we talked for 15 minutes about a poem she’d written about climbing a mountain to say good bye to someone, then the rest of the meeting was me talking rather pompously about my writing and her telling me about restaurants she orders from. She made me feel young, she made new shit feel possible, she was only 20 and I was 27 but I was suffering from something like the bends do to me mother’s passing and she reminded me of my mother but in ways I don’t want to talk about. But I will say that they both reminded me of houses on prairies, like dreams of people who slept in a pre-television age.
We began to date and eventually yet rather rapidly fell in love. And there are a multitude of happy stories in the years with occupied each other lives. But this is a story of Hillary and I and our camping trip to get over our fight that was caused by me cheating. With a student. In our apartment.
The girl, the student I mean, was young and white and wide hipped and represented something all self-respecting men of color try to avoid. The death trap of the white girl, with her eyes and charm and skin the color of a glass of milk after a slice of cake. I get sick and need a drink just thinking about it.
She’s a student, which has been a fucking foible in my past. The people in my department look at me differently. The women on staff subject me to cruel jokes and the men have a note of jealous-bitterness when Hilary is brought up. The chairman of my department brought it up once at a Christmas party, pulling me aside, with a firm grip on my arm, and a glare that was, if I’m being honest and why shouldn't I be by this point, scary. He told me that the only reason I hadn't been terminated was because he liked my story I had published in the New Yorker and that it made the creative writing department look good in the eyes of the rest of the school, it made asking for funding for a new computer lab a bit easier.
But that was many years ago and Hilary is now out of college and working at a high school in Queens as a guidance counselor. She tells me stories about kids going hungry, for both food and love. Horror stories, shes strong, her job is considerably harder than mine. That’s because she lives a harder life than me, but its high time I stop saying that, as if its any sort of constellation for living a shitty life and not considering the feelings of people I love or even mildly know.
She’s just about as pro as one can be when it comes to hiking. She attributes all of her wilderness know how to girl scouts but her brief stint in Girl Scout Troop 63061 occurred nearly two decades ago so I doubt it was that influential. She’s good, she can identify birds and turds and poison ivy by the smell in the wind, not just the cheap leaf counting method. She trudges on and we make conversation and things are pleasant, the bugs aren't unbearable, the weather is temperate and after awhile the weight of the pack gets melded with your natural body weight so you don’t even notice the flapping it does or the way it passively, yet most defiantly pulls against your shoulder.
I had a student once who hiked the entirety of the Adirondacks in a month. He wrote about it constantly, his adventures with other hikers, apparitions of the past, addiction, he wrote very vehemently about it week in a week out. I would read his assignments and sometimes quote them for Hilary and watch her face light up and feel a pang of jealously but it dissolved because I would not tell her that the quote was from a handsome, square jawed, outdoorsy student of mine but that the quotes came from me, that I camped as a young man and I still had a connection to the commodity that was nature. The truth was I am a city man, tried and true, I prefer subways over streams, the waling of addicts and derelicts over birds, and the smell of exhaust and street food over morning dew and honey suckle. But I could never confess this to Hilary, this was one of the many things I felt improper for in our relationship. I loved her and she loved me but some of the things we individually loved the other hated and its hard to encounter someone (a square jawed, woodman.) who shares similar interests with a loved one and not fabricate a reality in which those two parties hit it off and leave you to waste away.
As we walk through the rather dense foliage we feel a change in the air, something like the feeling when you walk into a house and you you know a TV is on, even if its on mute. The air felt busy, it felt young, completely strange but also familiar. After awhile Hillary stops me by putting her hand on my stomach, then she turns around, her eyebrows raised. She pinches the front of my shirt to pull me down to her level, then she whispers; "They're fucking."
I give her a confused look, then she points down a small hill to a blue tint. Poking out of the tents entrance flap are two sets of legs, one on top of the other, one toned and hairy, the other shorter and dainty. The hairy set of legs pulsates, slowly and rhythmically, implying long deep thurts, and the feet on the bottom set of legs sway as if leaves in a mild breeze. The scene is hot and made all the hotter by th fact that the couples faces are obstructed, they could be anyone. We crotch down and listen as the moans echo lightly, we do this for awhile. I put my hand on the nape of Hilary'd neck, and she reaches her hand back and places it on the inside of my thigh. We sit like this, until it is time to move on. For awhile I think about that young couple fucking in half way out of their tent, I think about it and these mesh shorts don;t do well enough to conceal the growth I'm getting from watching Hilary's ass in her shorts. We haven't fucked in weeks. Sometimes its easy to lay in bed, knowing the wrong that I've done can;t possibly arouse her. But some nights, I'll catch a glimpse of her bare thighs or, if she showers, the way her hair lays on the back of her neck, and I can't help but want a piece of her.

Eventually we find a spot, Hilary doesn't think it’s ideal, but it will do. We set up the tent, which is surprisingly easy and start a small fire. Now it’s time for the grub. She finally opens up the paper bag to reveal some Tupperware full of the Shepard’s Pie her mother taught her to make, it’s a little cold but also in the bag is a special outdoor skillet so that we can warm it the perfection on the fire. Also in the bag is 4 ham and salami sandwich, my absolute favorite. Some crackers, cheddar cheese, and pepperoni. Also in the bag are paper plates, napkins, and a bottle of Suntory, expensive Japanese whisky that we drank on my birthday three years ago on what we both consider to be the best night of our relationship.
I grab her hands and thank her, and we smile and I feel warm.

She hands me the bottle and then goes back to gazing into the fire. Her face is glowing like it should all the time. I drink the beer, I let in the chemical change, any reason to let loose, any reason to be an asshole.
“What do you want from me?” I know the answer. Every idiot does. She wants honesty and love and trust and compassion and truth and clean towels and effort and cock and food and a kiss on the head in the morning.
“I don’t want to do this.” She says, her eyes lost in the orange blaze.
“Well I do.” I’m rearing up to go, there is no stopping me, I’m a machine hell-bent on tears and tragedy.
“Otis just stop, lets get along. Do you want to lay down?” She says looking up at me.
“I don’t want to fucking lay down.” I breathe hot and take a pull from the bottle.
I’m an alcoholic, I’m abusive with words and in the past I've been a monster worthy of fathers or mothers brandishing shotguns. I've tried to change and I've made head way. But sometimes I get so angry I see red and I’m like a bull and there is no reasoning, no compassion, I’m a small creature who will destroy anything to make itself feel large, to feel like anything other than a speck whose feeling don’t exist.
“Stop yelling.”
“I’m not yelling. Why do you think every time I raise my voice beyond a whisper its yelling. Grow up Hilary, really.”
“Please, okay, just stop.” She says through sighs. She won’t cry, she only cries when there is silence.
“It’s just ridiculous; I told you I made a mistake. I told you that I fucked up but fuck look at everything I've done for you. I pay the fucking rent, I bought that car, I don so much.”

“So you’re saying that your respect comes to price? You're saying that you can fucking cheat on me with a teenager cause you pay for things?” She’s revving up herself. She’s often right in arguments, but I can’t let her ever know.
“No but I am saying that I’m allowed to make mistakes.”
“Are those mistakes fucking one of your teenage students in our bed, in out apartment you fucking pig.”
“Where was I supposed to go, her dorm.”
“Yeah you should have gone to her dorm so all those little fucking freshman could see you for the old, creepy pathetic bastard you are.” Her jab goes straight to the heart. She means nothing by it but the word ‘bastard’ means someone from a broken home, someone lacking parents. My mom died before I got to ask her so many things; her favorite color, her goals as a child, if she really liked my book. I felt parent less because my dad was entering a state where he wasn't going to be the strong man I knew. I felt like a bastard and she said it not knowing and it was at that moment I felt ripped open, like an envelope and letter ripped do to excitement.
“You're such a bitch.”
“Oh now I’m a bitch.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“Whatever, Otis, look at yourself.” The words I rue the most. ‘Look at myself.’ Who’d want to look at themselves if they were in my position. Fat, aging, in the woods, cheating, arguing, ruining love, ruining life, about to make a gigantic mistake.
“Look at your fucking self.” I say, wondering if Hillary ever loved my writing, ever loved the man I was on the page, ever loved my art. Not sure why any of that
“This trip is a waste of time, We are leaving in the morning.” She tells me. I hate that she called that, not because I want to be in power like she thinks, but because I want to be with her. But what a shitty job of showing it I’m doing.
We sit in silence and watch the fire. Well she watches the fire and I watch her with careful glances, careful not to get caught staring at her illuminated face, carefully so that she didn't know I cared, carefully as to imitate hate. I’m such a asshole, I’m not that great a person. After a while the weight of the situation hits me, the silence (That I’m causing.) dissects, so I stand up.
“I’m leaving.”
“Where are you going Otis?”
"Away from you." When we were young, or I should say 'younger' because we are quite young, we used to call each other 'dude' in arguments. It was a sign that we had devolved as Hilary and Otis and become faceless, nameless, dudes, inhuman, mannequins. We no longer call one anther 'dude' but the intent, the desire to see outside the person still exist in both of us.
I charge forward, through the woods, away from the fire we started and into something less populated, into something darker. My ears are burning, that what happens when I get like this. My ears become warm enough to fry eggs on, and its almost like the baking warmth from my ears bakes the section of me brain that regulates common sense, because in a situation like this common sense would decree I turn around and make nice with the woman I love cause the sun’s descending like the volume on porn when your wife/mother/father/boss enters the room.
But my ears are hot and I’m marching into the deep, dark, haunted regions of the Catskills. And to think I took off work for this.
An in detriment amount of time later and the moon is up painting the forest in a ghastly grey, as if under a spectral veil. The temperature dropped as well and these shorts aren't enough to stave off whats becoming a bitterly cold night. I don’t know where Hilary or our fire or our tent is. In my tizzy I forgot some essentials like a flash light and a poncho, and although the trees tower over me and their leaves umbrella me, cold droplets still make their way down on me.
Hilary is probably in the tent, infinitely more pissed off than I am, and with so much more cause. I feel choked. I feel like giving up and digging a hole in the moist soil to sleep in, using dirt as a pillow, blanket and bed, waking in the morning and screaming Hilary’s name for her to come help me, as self-fish as that sounds. But I don’t stop, I instead keep walking, through thorns bushes and poison oak and spider webs that cause mini-panic attacks every time I walk through one. The darkness grows and the only light I have is from my cellphone, and the battery is rapidly dying. Every now and then a beep goes off signaling that I have a voice mail, I am un-able to check it though because this forest is a nullifies satellite signals. This worries me; has Hilary tried to contact me, has my boss left a message, am I fired, did he to find out about me and the student? I’m in miasma of all feelings shitty.
Last time Hilary left a message on my phone it was to tell me that she had watched a baby bird fall from a tree die. She called during one of my classes and when I called a 15 minute bathroom break (Although at NYU bathroom breaks are essentially cigarettes breaks.) I checked the message, and her voice was soaked in disbelief. I knew exactly what face she was making. I had my students write her letter after they returned from their breaks. We read them that night and laughed, then she became upset at the thought I might have fucked one of the letter writers.  
Eventually the woods become painting into a lumisncent grey light that is quite beautiful. I enter a clearing and for the first time feel the full impact of the rain. It’s not coming down hard, but it is fast and between its conception in the heavens to its magnificent flight to earth it freezes. It miserable but as I trudge through the soaked grass the slosh of my feet are akin to the sloth of the feet of knights trudge into a blood soaked battle field. In the distance to my left I see a large man-made structure that towers above the tree, I make my way to it over the sopping wet grass. The water leaks through my shoes and every step I make has the most uncomfortable slosh, my drunk is wearing off, morphing into a sluggish, morose tiredness. The rain pelts me, brutally, and I feel like a sort of death, I feel like a sort of soaked denizen of hell.
I approach the structure and I recognize it to be a Fire Tower. Fire Tower’s  were built on the highest peaks of the region and they were manned 24 hours a day by park rangers. It’s said that from the top of a Fire Tower a ranger could see any telltale signs of a fire. There used to hundreds of these things, but since the 90s these things became obsolete due satellite monitoring and helicopter surveillance. A few conservation groups decided to save a handful, and here I am looking at one.
I climb the tower, hoping to see flashlights or camp fires or that couple fucking again, any sign of human life. But once I climb the metal steps, at the landing at the top, all I see is a shadow on the wet ground casted by myself. I look at the shadow and wave to it, it waves back mysteriously. I accept the shadow to be me, I far away me from another demision that is directly affected by this demision. I understand that I will always have this shadow, but it will always be in my control, it will always be at my beck and call, me and the height of the sun in the sky. Well in this case the moon.
Looking out at the arces of woods, I know Hilary is out there, I know somewhere in this dense collection of foliage is the woman I love, the woman I thought would be the last stop on the railroad that was my love life, but this shadow is still waving because I’m making it wave. This shadow is still here. I curse and spit on the shadow. Then I see two lights heading my way from the clearing. Finally some life, maybe they will have compasses or food or clothes, finally I can back to humanity, maybe its that couple we saw earlier, maybe they can walk me back to Hillary and she can thank them and we can live maybe trade partners and become swingers in the woods, maybe that is what will save our relationship. My shadow takes catches the spit right in the neck. I make my way down the wet stairs.
Hilary must be worried sick, she must be cold and scared. All I want to do is hold her. I make a misstep on the stairs. I slip and in trying to catch my grip, to stave my balance I twist me body and the gravity of my weight is too much and it makes my descent worse. I bounce down the stairs like a soceer ball kicked down a rocky hill. When I settle at the bottom of the tower my ears are ringing and I taste nickles, I cough hot liquid. I hear something faintly in the distance. Maybe its Hilary I think. Maybe I’ll have to go to hospital, maybe she will drive me and talk to me. Maybe we can make it up. But maybe what I hear is my mother or angels or ghosts or nothing. Maybe I hear my shadow.


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

For Streak C. Lawson



I hear the uncoordinated patter of his long neglected nails on the kitchen tile from the basement.
“He’s not doing good.” Dad says in a tone so resigned it seems terminal.
It’s a rainy December in Chicago, like God’s trying to wash the city. But the city isn’t a car with bird shit on the hood and it’ll take more than a moderate drizzle to clean Chicago.(The zoological term for bird (and bat) poop is called Guano. Guano.) I don’t mind the rain though, it means the weather will hold its relative warmth and after the Polar Vortex last year I deserve a holiday season without the distinct displeasure of shoveling snow while mucus pour out of my nose and freezes in my mustache.
Over Dad’s voice and the murmur of the TV from the living room I  hear rain drops landing on the awning over the kitchen window. An impartial melody, like the strokes of keys from a pianist who doesn’t give a shit about what he’s playing. The world turns, the sun burns and rain falls. The ether doesn’t (and shouldn’t have to) alter itself because my Dog can’t walk anymore.
Dad and I are standing in our kitchen looking down at the dog, making grim plans to drive to the vet, holding together a frail artifice that this isn’t a tremendously horrible Monday and that we aren’t on the verge of bawling.
The Bears are losing and the Dogs hind legs are weak as _____  and for all intents useless.
Earlier that day we had taken a trip to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. I was to receive a sweater and watch. My mother was getting a sky blue robe and new socks (A pair of which she already wearing.) I got my Dad a book and an atrocious burgundy shirt-thing with a zipper that disappeared into fabric half way down. This had become our tradition; An afternoon at the mall in which we all indiscriminately buy each other whatever is chosen. Christmas made practical, albeit considerably less festive. 
When we got back, bags in hand and guts rounded from food court vittles, Mom noticed a batch of shit in the dining room. We share a collective forgiving sigh, noting that we were gone for a few extra hours and the dog, at 14 years old, hadn’t the bowel fortitude nor the shame of indoor dumping he used to have. Dad picks up the dropings with a plastic bag.
“Poor thing. He just couldn’t hold it.” Mom says.
“He just old.” Dad commiserates.
I give a whistle but the sound does little to summon the Dog these days. Long gone are the days of a whistle and an eager gallop, now he conserves his energy. So I go looking for him. Dad gives a glance downstairs at the basement from the staircase in the Kitchen and reports that he doesn’t see him. I run to the second floor and find nothing but a wet spot on the carpet.
Mom says that ever since I moved to New York the Dog doesn’t make the trip to the second floor. Too many stairs for too weak of hind legs. So that fact that he, the Dog, exerted the energy to make the pilgrimage was so impressive that I didn’t mind the piss soaked carpet, same way Tibetan monks probably don’t mind letting people use their toilet after they make the journey up Mt Kailash. (Tibet is called ‘The Roof of the World’ because its nearly 5,000 meters above sea level.)
No Dog up there. So, admittedly a little nervous, a hastily head to the basement. I flip the light switch and see The Dog laying on the couch. Mouth open, tongue flopping around like some alien appendage. A breath of relief then I take a seat next to him and stoke his black, dusty coat. Feeling the familiar heat pulsating from his vibrating, solid body. A few seconds Dad comes down the stairs and he too has an exaltation of relief in the form of smile. We probably look like a painting, on the leather couch with moss green pillows, looking at him, Dad. A boy and his dog and the inherent unspoken, vast, unsurmountable love.
Dad calls him over to him, to take him out in the backyard for his last bathroom break of the evening. The Dog and Dad had developed something in my absence. Something not unlike a symbiosis, something like parent hood or friendship or love. I’ve been in and out of this house since I moved away to college in 2008. Plus it was a busy few years, exiting the chaos of teenage years for a new sort of chaos of my 20s, I was busy and wasn’t the boy the Dog remembered. So in my absence Dad stepped in and they formed a bond that kept them both happy and fulfilled.
Adorable I’m sure.
The Dog goes to Dad and together they head up the stairs. Half way up the Dog slides down and comes to crash landing on at the bottom on the unforgiving tile.
“Fuck. Shit.” I say.
Sometimes in moments of extreme trauma or grief or anxiety I’m able to watch myself react as if my life is a movie filmed in second person. Watch the Dog slide down the stair was one of these moments and the cruses were a feeble natural reaction to the moment, like hitting the knee with a mallet and watching it kick out.
After about 15 mintues of observing the Dog and his clear in ablity to climb the stairs and our suspicions on wether or not he could even stand up. Dad goes to get an old pair of throw away pants. He’s good with this sort of thing. A savy man who’d probably make a decent run at life on a deserted island. Or at least think of an effective way to off himself once the solitude transformed into delirium and psychosis.
He explains to me once the pants are for; We are the position them under the dog, like a hammock going horizontal. Then once once the dog is firmly placed in the concavity of the pants were are to pick him up using the sections of the pants that are exposed.
This is way lego instructions come with diagrams. Because sometimes genius is inarticulable.
We rig the Dog up and hoist him up. He does some mild freaking out, kicks his legs and panics because he can’t feel the ground underneath him.
We get him up the stairs and take him outside but he doesn’t do anything. He only lays on the cold, wet ground, so we use the pants to get him back in the house and that where the end begins.
Hours pass and at some point Dad says through a shaky voice that we have to put him down in the morning. The Dog hears the words but is deaf to the meaning and I find that strange and insulting to discuss his demise right in front of him. My dad gets a phone call from a neighbor who is good with animals but about 15 seconds into conversation he implodes into tears and sniffles and hands me the phone but I have no desire to talk in times of misery. I prefer to write and cruse and drink and hope there is a decent movie playing on TV to watch. So I keep the conversation short and regrettably curt.
The fall took out what little remnants of strength his legs had left. Walking became more of a balancing trick, how could he support his heavy frame on two hind legs that had the durability and rigidness of uncooked noodles. But still he managed through out the night. He breathing was so heavy it that it sounded like the panting of an adult man with thyroid issues. And his walking was shaky like dying leaves in the wind. But I fear that’s too graceful to describe the stumbling of the Dog. It was more akin the sound of a CD skipping while playing your favorite track. Frantic and painful. An error in upkeep that destroys something beautiful.
My parents retire around 12. Leaving me and the Dog and the night and the silence that comes with knowing the end isn’t a far off finish line over mountains, but that the end of this thing is only a modest collection of hours away, less than 100,000 seconds.
He won’t eat which worries me because this is an animal whose main allegiance lied with his own gluttony. And looking at his the apathy chiseled into his sullen face while a wave a biscuit soaked in steak sauce (Our favorite.) under his face is a starling realization that behind his will to stand is a resignation. I wonder what that resignation feels like, does it wash you like wave, entering your nostrils and feeling your lungs. Or does acceptance of the end come like a bullet. Do you die before your heart stops?
Eventually I hear the desperate clamoring of nails and the panting kicks up again as if it were a fire being stoked. I gather my own strength, it’s getting late and all this worry is riding me like a cowboy in some morose rodeo. By the time I’m off the couch and he’s stumbling around and breathing fire and his heads down but he’s walking with so much fucking intent you can almost, and maybe for the first time, feel his presence. In this walk that scared by age and bad bones I can feel the flames of his will. He turns to the kitchen and pauses at the back stairs. I rush into to stop him, fearing a face first plummet. My hearts races and I realize this type of worry is the shit that kills people. I manage to put the child-safety gate we took from my aunt after her kids were too big for it to be an obstacle, in the doorway to block his path. He seems annoyed but turns around and makes his trudge to the front door. It’s apparent to me now that he wants to go outside. That he has already soiled the inside of the house and that he is still capable of making the trip outside to handle his business like any other respectable, housebroken dog. He has dignity. So I oblige and open the front door and he looks out and the wet pavement and the night sky that seems to have a deep purple hue.
There was something so amazing about this moment; Watching the Dog survey the stairs, watching him confront his limitations, and thoroughly ignore them for the sake of pride, for the sake of taking a shit in the designated shit taking area like a functioning member of society. Like there was nothing wrong, like he was fine.
His front legs make the first stair down with no issue, but it’s the back legs that give out on him. He plops down, on the second stair, sunk like an anvil. He looks around, his mouth open, confused, where had his strength gone. Why was this so fucking hard now? There he was, stuck on the second of six steps, the rain, still falling without regard, the sky wrapped in a dark lavender so brooding it would have been sexy with a cognac and oj and a ciggerete.
I go back in the house and get a the pants we’d used to lift him out of the basement. I position them under him again, wrap the pant legs around my fore arms and lift. He seems grateful, as if he understands this is the only way he’ll be able to move. Resignation like a wave, resignation like a bullet. While he gets why we need the pants, he doesn’t get how to fully use them, and since neither can communicate we fumble about in the rain for 3 minutes trying to understand what the other wants. Eventually I realize we are going to need to leash to. Which means I’ll have to wake up Dad. And I was so hoping not to. I don’t want to leave him on the steps, in the rain with pants tied around him so I hit the doorbell a few times. After about a minute I see Mom come down the stairs from the open front door.
“Whats the matter you got locked out?” She calls.
“No. I need some help with the dog.”
“Ok.”
Mom puts on her coat and shoes and I hand her the leash. We hoist him down the stairs and he pees and does some sniffing around in the lawn and Mom says that this won’t work for him. And then I realize Dad hasn’t told her about tomorrows plan.
That night my Dad slept on the kitchen floor with the Dog. Mom sat in the dining looking at them. The next day we use the pants system to put the Dog into the car. I’d been drinking and crying and my parents had been making small talk in voices too genial to be real.
In the car in the back seat he gives me a few last kisses. And I’ll never miss a womans tongue like I’ll miss that collie’s. He seemed to be crying with they gave him the shots. He eyes were watering and I don’t know if dogs cry and I won’t google it because sometimes facts get in the way of reality. I wanted to bury him in the back yard but Dad didn’t want to handle the body and none of liked the idea of not having a coffin for Streak, the Dog.

So I’ll remember him not as a headstone in the garden, but as the dog hair on my sweater. As the biscuits in the kitchen and as the warmth in the basement. I’ll remember Streak as friend. And every other dog I see will seem familiar, because I’ll know that somewhere in me on the borders of my mind, always orbiting inside, is the part of me that’s still just two eyes, two ears and the desire to run.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Too long to text you (Hicky shaped like the crab nebula)



I’m stuck to Carl’s couch like a fly in flypaper.  I don’t know if it’s the drink or the guilt from the thought of leaving after I drink or maybe its because I just took a 9 minute long tequila shit and my legs feel like slinkies and the idea of walking back home with knees so wobbly and ass so swampy is unfavorable.  Whatever my reasoning for staying, I feel myself sinking into Carl’s couch as if by anchor, as if by unearthly gravitational restrictions. (We’d weigh the most on Jupiter.)

“I’m not wholly Christian or wholly Buddhist or even wholly a Theist. I’m an individual, a collection of insular and outward perceptions. I’m a Carl-ologist.” Carl says with a look that is surprising less glib and self-satisfied than one would assume someone who qualifies his religious affiliations with nomenclature derived from his own (fucking) name. Carl is thin chinned and full faced, dark handsome eyes but the haircut of someone definitively uncreative. Standard white guy coif.

He goes on about his ideology, moving his hands like a chef or a politician who can’t quite read the cue cards and its interesting but behind all of my nods and ‘Oh really’ are thoughts of you.  My face is the set and this conversation in the play and everything is going well on stage but behind the scenes, hundreds of tiny you’s are dressed in black, manipulating switching working my eyebrows and pursing my lips like and making me expel assuring grunts. Carl has no idea that I’m run by you, that I’m only a shell that houses thoughts of you and your nasally voice and your lips a baby when you sleep.

“We all try too hard to portray ourselves as greater than perception allows.” Carl’s eyes are a razor whip and for a second I think he’s on to me but then his glance warms and he swans his head up and strokes his neck hair and with a puckish laugh says; ‘Myself included.’ And I’m safe, back to feigning attention back to being drowned in thoughts of your hair and your tiny hands and your nasally voice and I’m choked up because I like Carl, he’s a friend from work and he told me how his best friend made advances on his girlfriend and how his he and his Father’s relationship is strained and I want to be his friend and listen to Carl-ology (even though the hubris it takes to name a spiritual denomination after yourself is nauseating.) but it’s been 7 days since I had me some of you, one week since we shared spit and sweat and secrets, half a fortnight since I heard that shitty little nasally voice.

“This world is a place of fugazi accountability. So many of us chalk this life up to happenstance. No regard for the meaning of existence.” He begins to slow his speaking, as if he believe his thoughts are evading me, as if his speed is blinding. I let him, looking at Carl you’d never think he had this in him. This sort of heady naval gazing is usually reserved for more disheveled looking folk.

He brings up Descartes and its deep but all I want is to be buried deep inside of you.

Buried in you.

6 feet inside you being eaten by earthworms and having my body become a maggot nest. I can’t shake you, not like a dog shakes off water or the way your hips shake into the psyche of your costumers. (Can we not all them costumers, costumers are people who shop at Walgreens for Fritos and chap stick.)

“Our existence is dependent on our perceptions alone Adam.”  He takes a pull for the bottle and he’s speaking fire and I’d moved if I wasn’t so sunk into the couch and drowning in you.

I want to get up and leave but you can’t leave a man with his head so far in the clouds. Maybe clouds work like Rorschach blots. Maybe one day I’ll drive you to the dentist  and your hands will be on my knee and I’ll get sappy and cry looking at your hand, pie crust brown.

Carl brings up his dead mother in a quote to utterly heart blisteringly sad that I won’t paraphrase. Tears well up and I feel bad because I kill my mom off in every story I write.

He says that for 3 months after she died he would her voice, in those nebulous moments after waking up. When the brain is between our conceptualized reality and the infinitude of sleep, he’d hear his mom, call from some sprit province.

I image you doing that hand stand against your wall, I image you holding a baby and looking at me and I’ve never felt further away from anything and it’s gross that sometimes I’m so empty.  It’s gross that I let this black soot fill my lungs.

I watched you cry and dance blind folded one night. Sometimes the weight of all this gets to me.

“There is nothing that can change the past. There is nothing that can change the moment we just had.”  Carl exhaled with clarity and genius and (again) no glibness.

And I knew nothing more important would be said that night. So I left.




(I coulda done better.)

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Leprechauns on the back of lions.


Under the patriarchal sun, we grow like...

"Try to forget those memories that make you sick."
Today is (will be) the first day I start to write (to really write, not the half-mad scribbling’s I’ve been doing in that journal I received as a gift with the corny salutation inscribed on the front.) Today my fingers will hover over the key board and scour the letters like an eagle scours the fields for prey.
But first I’ll need some drunken abandon. This lime-a-rita will have to do. With this Lime-a-rita and at least one miller high life (The champagne of beers) and maybe a taste or two of the absinthe I bought my father for Father’s Day, I will write something deeply affecting and legendary but not without a healthy amount of the dark that graces (curses, taints, fucks with.) all my actions. Today, on this most pleasant of Saturday afternoons I will listen to songs sang in muddled falsetto and I will get drunk so that I redden in the face and I will bloviate on this page so righteously that God will ride his Segway down from heaven and give me the keys to his condo.

The lord’s condo, the lord’s yacht, the lord’s timeshare in  Wilmington.

I have just come back from New York from a business trip that took place in the forest.

I still have dirt from New York under my nails and deep in my pores. It was a baptism by mud, and I came back feelingly unjustifiably venerated, and I smell of earth suffused with sweat and star dust.

New York was a spiritually cathartic that put a great deal of money in my wallet.


On my first day back in the city I rode the trains and felt no marvel or fondness toward Chicago, I only felt pulled toward the night and for drink and fast company. I got off the blue line a Damen and Millwalkee and surveyed the mass of the well-dressed yet tragically blue collared denizens of Wicker Park and I remember feeling let down by them, as if I was expecting them to dazzle me, as if I expected them to know I was gone, they didn’t know me yet I knew all of them. (Half broad generalization and half hypothesis based on textured experience.)

That first day I spent 100 dollars at a tavern, both on my own drinks and the drinks of a few friends. We talked about the civil war that festered in Chicago, we talked about how C.P.D is 22,000 applicants in the red, we spoke of dirty dealings and moving west. Then we parted and I got a tattoo for a man who suffered a spine injury from a motorcycle accident. After two hours and 200 dollars I was marked for life.

I spent a lot of money that first day.

Later that week I found myself preparing to head back to New York but this time to the City for a festival that would have been a culmination and liberation of all the years spent behind the glow of my family’s Hewlett-Packard in MySpace groups and forums desperately outstretching a hand for companionship and comradely and maybe a little nookie.  It was going to be a road trip but unforeseen problems arose (We couldn’t rent a car due to bad credit.) and I found myself stuck in Chicago, a town I was rapidly falling out of love with, with a fully packed bag and a pair of eyes set for adventure.





So I immediately trivialized the quest for wholeness by drinking Captain Morgan and taking a nap on my friend’s sofa.
babe.
Eventually the house filled with people and I woke up to a room full of energy varying from pensive to sloppy to rotten to errant.(Can you guess which one I was?) I caught sight of the girl who had played muse to my many nights of selfish pontificating and idolization. This girl was short and fair skinned. She wore a mane of curly blonde hair and green eyes that shined like trophy’s, and even now writing about her I am compelled to pour myself another beer and fantasize about her with a sort of mournful exaltation. I’m not sure if it’s the music (Right now I’m listening to The Cure’s Lollapalooza performance and ‘love song’ is playing and I’m slow dancing with my dog.)or the beer or the memory of all the years I have known this girl and wanted this girl that are filling me with the radically burning fire of desire and longing but the truth of the matter is that no matter how good I get at monogamy and chivalry and empathy and all the other qualities relationships with girls deserve I know that this girl will always be able to melt my resolve, atomize my integrity and leave me shaking and confused just like I was 16.

We hug and she tells me I am ‘stupid’ and I analyze her words the way a teenage girl would analyze the ‘xoxo’ in a text message. I kiss her cheek and this is the first time in my 4 years of knowing her my lips press against her flesh. I melt a little bit, and she hops over the puddle that was once Adam Lawson to embrace the night that is still young, and I want to follow but I don’t want to over saturate my presence so I stay in my friends bedroom (He is off on a trip to the casino with a girl I used to know who once asked, with disarming sincerity; ‘Were Vampires real?’)
Eventually a Sudanese girl with a demure squeak of a voice sits on the bed with me and we watched Anime and youtube videos of our favorite live performances. She’s from Iowa and she is the type of girl I describe when I speak of the hidden majesty of the Midwest. She had dark skin and dark hair and a thirst for rum that not even I could match.(That particular night.)

We shared a few beautiful sentiments and we slept (platonically) on a pull out bed in the basement that night.

The party died down and the cats walked across our bodies. We woke up and got beer and talked about things that would have been important if our hearts were present.

As a writer I am very cognizant of my hearts involvement in my words and actions. And looking back on that new morning I realize I was playing the day on the fence, not a hunter, not the hunted, simply existing.
Under eye baggage.

I am beginning to feel guilty and incompetent for not making a point to this writing. So I’ll fast forward…
The Sundanese girl met her Chicago boyfriend at the Bucktown 
festival and I felt abandoned and unloved and began to walk home when I saw the masterpiece that was the blond with the green trophy eyes.

Let me clear things up about her….

All my friends have been following her like loyal fans follow their favorite band for years. We all pine over her beauty. She is a classic like a little black dress, but she hasn’t so much as given any of us the time of day. Although I know she dated Judge Mathis’s son.

This next statement I say with drunken hubris so forgive me if it is inaccurate…

Her actions, this girl, seem to carry a tinge of conscious banality  as if she knows that she is capable of more…
What I mean to say is….I’m not sure she follows her heart.
Anyway, the Sundanese girl leaves and I meet up with green eyes and we drive to one of her friend’s houses,  which turns out to be a mini-mansion in Logan Square and we drink Pinot Grigio and listen to bands with member no younger than 45 and I convince her to sing and I fall in love with her and I ask to run away with her and she tells asks me what can I give her and the first thing I think about saying is ‘my dick’ then I realize I can devote myself to her then I realize I’d get nauseous the way I did with my last lover then it’s too late because she ditches me for the guy who directs Chance the Rappers videos, a skinny twig, hipster scum bag who can’t dance like I can, but I guess they have been ‘intimate’ for longer than I feel comfortable divulging.
So I sit in a stranger’s back yard, with my pallet hot from wine and smoke and the fire from the pit laps at me like my dog does when he licks the dew from our tree.And again I am lonely.

As a writer I spend long stretches of periods alone. Writers are creatures of beauty and buried heartache.

That was the closest I’d ever gotten to green eyes, and when we danced there was a part of her I could feel in my bones. She was exuding soul but I guess my nice polo, pressed jeans, and spirit weren't enough to coerce her into my life.


Her body seemed attainable, as most of body’s are. But her heart seemed to hold this distant seeming majesty, like a mountain too steep to climb.

Now on this Saturday that as crawled past pure white clouds to darker hues, I watch my dad climb a ladder to fiddle with the flower pots he has planted on the deck.
My father is in his 60s, and the ladder wobbles like it has Parkinson’s, if the ladder where to fall I’m not sure my dad would be okay.

My dad is a Vietnam veteran who survived not only a grisly war but a life time of other ordeals, if he died while plating flowers…

I’d have to lie to people. Death by gardening is so gay.
And not ‘gay’ in the ignorant, negative sense, but gay as in same sex sodomy.

I don’t want my Dad to have a gay death.

Add caption






Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Red like a tomato.


                                              
                                           N.S.F.W (Mature readers only.)
So this is an excerpt from my short story collection titled 'Alligators.' (It's pretty close to being finished, and I'm incredibly happy and it's gonna be awesome and you should buy it.) This is about 4 pages in so I'll fill you in on the stuff you missed;
Lindsay Griffin has a reputation for being a man eater. She broke one of the narrator's best friend's hearts ( and wallets) so now the narrator as somehow ended up in bed with her. He concocts and plan to punish the evil Lindsay Griffin; He plans to rub her underwear on a stray cat so she has an allergic reaction. This excerpt picks up right after the narrator leaves the bed. So with out further ado, I give you 
                                             
                                                 'A mistake involving a cat.'

The panties were white with a pink trim. I've been told that a girl will spare no expense when it comes to underwear, and that in the event that they believe they are going to have sex, they will wear certain pairs of underwear, as one last layer of seduction, one last nail in the coffin, one last reason to cum to early. If this was true, the panties that Lindsay wore last night had no indication she had intended to spend the night with me. These were private panties, these aren't panties one wears for seduction, these are the panties you wear under your sweatpants while you eat your 3rd bowl of cereal on an idle Sunday. I grab them off the floor, stealthy, like a perverted ninja. She groans and meets the waking world, I panic for a split second and drop the panties and pretend to be checking my jeans.
“Heh, well good mornin’. You always get up this early?” The witch spoke.
“Not all the time.” I say apprehensively, like a child meeting a weird Aunt for the first time.
“So then what are you doing up, come back to bed, you were keeping me warm.” She says in with kind and vulnerable cadence and a more naive man would have fallen for the act, but I had x-ray vision when it came to mushy bedroom talk. It’s all savory lies. You see, bedroom talk is just the remnants of the dream world. Before the dream world dissipates like a fog,  your subconscious is left with a few technicolor clumps of dream mist. That what bedroom talk is. That’s why no one says anything romantic at 2:30 pm, because you’re wide awake and the dream world is completely incinerated away.
“ Doesn't your pact with the devil keep you warm?” I say to her.
“What, Oh my God you’re so weird.” She groans out, almost singing it. She stretches her body out and her breast peek out from the cover. They are stupendous; the perfect circumference, like a crop circles. Alien sculpted. If her spirit wasn't so repulsive, I might have contracted a boner. (I realize I used the term ‘contracted’ in reference to an erection, as if were a disease, and yes, at times that is how I feel about boners.)
“But seriously, what are you doing up?” She asks me, now laying on her side facing the wall, grabbing at the covers for warmth.
“I’m gonna have a cigarette.” I lie.
“Oh, well have one of my, you let me bum so many of yours last night. They are in my purse.”
“Where’s your purse?”
“It’s in the living room I think.”
“I’m surprised you remember that.”
“Yeah. I’m surprised you’re even alive after last night. You were so drunk.” Her voice is muffled by the pillow. She was right, it is no small feat that I’m alive right now. I have this technique, this drinking technique that I hope one day to teach my kids. It’s called ‘cyborg mode’ it’s a practice in which you drink fast and without capitulation. You do this in hopes of obliterating the conscious, entering a sort of auto-pilot mode, you become a human who is driven by pure instinct, scarcely human and scarcely animal. You become, basically a cyborg. It’s a nifty little trick I learned, and can really make a night exciting, or it can wind you up in jail, or missing your kidney or even worse, in bed with Lindsay Griffin.
“Yeah, I've had a lot of practice at drinking.”
“That’s code for you’re a raging alcoholic who should seek help immediately.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“I’m just kidding. Go smoke that cig.”
Before I leave the room I discretely grab the panties. In the living room I notice a box of pizza on the table. Cold pizza is my life blood, so I make a detour for a slice. Upon opening the box I find a cigarette sticking out of the final slice like a flag on the face of the moon. A heinous act, undoubtedly perpetrated by Lindsay. I pick a pepperoni from the slice, eat it and  start to look for her purse. Going through a woman’s purse is like going through your mothers closet, you may find your Christmas present early, or you may find her turbo speed, bifurcated dildo. Lucky I find the cigarettes before I stumble across anything too gross, besides her coconut flavored gum. What sick person would want the thick, encumbering taste of a coconut in their mouth for that long? The cats are in the alley, behind the coach house so I’d need shoes to avoid glass shards and bird poop and all the other unpleasant things that lay like landmines in alleys. I  slide my size ten and a half foot into my roommates size 12 loafers. It feels like being a 7 year old again, sliding my feet into my dad’s massive shoes.
As I clop to my back patio, her underwear in hand and cigarette in mouth, I begin to have second thoughts, was Lindsay Griffin, was she deserving of such an action. I mean, she had never necessarily harmed me, and it was only her reputation that I deemed worthy of punishment. I thought about that word, punishment. I thought of judges in courts, and of strict parents, and then I my thoughts were of myself, and how flawed I was. How many transgression  was deserving of punishment for, and I had this moment were I felt like I held a gavel in my hands. The judicial system is supremely flawed, human nature is flawed, hell the only things that aren't fallible is 'God' and Science. That’s why Newton and Jesus can’t be in the same room.
I light my cigarette off the stove and head outside.  The air greets my naked chest and it carries with it a chill, but I use my drunken grit to bear the cold and I walk past the coach house were the 3 female med students live. I walk through the black, cast iron gate and into the alley. The cats feasts, it’s a melee with these strays. All of them purring and hissing and clawing at each other, it must have been how ancient Egypt was, orgies of stray felines in the streets. You’d think that 3 big brained med students would understand the health risks of feeding 10 stray cats, all the fleas and feces. I hate cat people, cat people talk about like a drunks talks about wine, obsessively. I made my way to the feeding ground, the cats slow their feast and observe me, they aren't skittish and they let me get close. I began to stoke ones fur, a fat gold-ish colored one. His fur is stiff and  mated down with dirt, he’s a hobo pussy. I waste no time and begin the the dirty deed. I sort of do a floss maneuver with the panties, back and forth across the cats fur. Like I’m shining the chrome spokes on a Harley, I rub the clothe all over the stupid cat. I pick the cat up and he sort of squirms but who knows how longs its been since someone petted him, so he allows me to pick up and I start rubbing the panties on his underbelly, praying he doesn't take this malice action for a come on, the last thing I need is to be at the center of a kitty cat gang bang.
Down the alley, unbeknownst to me at the time was Manuel. Manuel lived in the neighborhood, he was a scavenger of sorts, he made daily runs through the alley carrying a wheel barrel. He scoured  trash cans for valuables;  microwaves  and lamps, all forms of discarded household items. Sometimes he would clean them and sell them to consignment shops, other times, in cases of TVs and computer towers, he would dissect them and sell them piece by piece. He told me once that the mafia used to kidnap people and cut one finger off everyday the ransom wasn't paid, and coincidentally the ransom price would go higher with every finger missing, he told me that he liked to apply that principle to selling computer parts. It was a starling analogy and after he told me I bid him good day and briskly walked back to my apartment.
Manuel must have been watching me for quite some time because when I noticed him he was already looking at me with an upturned and confused face. There wasn't anything to but to act cordial, so I waved with my hand still holding the cat. Manuel nodded at me and went back to searching for discarded treasure  After I thought the panties were sufficiently coated in cat dander, I toss the feline down and he looks at me with a hiss and I blow cigarette smoke in his face and begin to stand up and turn around, the at gold cat hops on my back, claws bared and tears my skin.
“Ahhhh…Christ.” I scream as I stumble away. Manuel looks at me with dismay, he eye contact seems to me like his peace of mind could be benefitted with words.
“Find any copper?” Apparently copper it was now more valuable than gold.
“Si guey, I found a radiator two days ago.” 'Guey' is Spanish slang for dude.
“Bueno.” I say before heading back to apartment.
“Those yours guey?” Manuel asks nodded to toward the panties.
“Uhhh…no. They’re…uhhhh.”
Manuel screws his face up and says; “It’s okay like they are yours guey, You know I used to have an uncle who wore the ladies underwear too.”
“Thank you for understanding guey.” I say, feigning shame.
“But why were you just rubbing them on cats guey?”
“I’m a strange man.”
“Listen guey, we all strange do things, no one is in any position to judge anyone else.” Mauel says to me and its serendipitous and valuable and dignified.
“That’s why I haven’t gone to my court date yet.” Manuel says, and the proverbial glass of his genius shatters.
 Back in the apartment, I see Brian, my roommate looking in the fridge. His face is pale, even for an Irish person in the morning, and his eyes as red as tomatoes. He looks like he survived a war. He grumbles at me in acknowledgement, his cognitive skills have been dulled from last night so it’s not until I've nearly made it out of the kitchen that he asks me why I had just come from outside in my underwear. I turn around and walk back toward the fridge. I stop and inch away from him and swat at him with the panties, I sing a few seconds of the chorus of Bobby Brown’s ‘My Prerogative.’ and then make my exit.
I walk in to my bedroom and Lindsay is laying on her back typing on her phone. I make sure to drop the panties discreetly on the floor before she notices. I take a seat at the foot of the futon like a dog, I stretch my legs out a lean against the railing. 
“So, tell me what happened last night, like, how’d we find our selves in this position.”
“Hmmm,’ She smiles and sits up, using the my blanket to cover her chest “ I came here around 10:30 with Brooke and Bridget and you were already beyond drunk. It was a little scary actually, you've got an intense look in your eye when you’re drunk. Its Scary dude.”
“Yeah well not scary enough to chase you outta my bed.” I say. Feeling self satisfied. 
“Well, you’re only sort of right. That look you were making, was far from attractive, and the worst part is’ She pauses to explode with laughter. She has a heavy laugh that rolls her shoulders up and down. She must of felt bad for laughing so hard because she paused to peek at me to study my face. “I think that was actually your 'get it' face.” She covers her eyes and laughs away.
“My ‘get it’ face?”
“Yeah, like your, ‘come and get it’ face.” She shakes her neck seductively.
“Oh God.” I shake my head.

“You were trying to seduce me looking like a complete lunatic.” She proceeds mimic my face, she pouts her lips out and swaggers her neck and head a bit. It is awful to watch.
“Jesus, ok alright. I get it, you can stop.”
“Hahaha, yeah it was terrible. And the worst part is you tried to pick me up in front of this big group of people. You males are so pitiful, always trying to measure each other dicks. Always trying to be Mr. Big Shot. Treating women like trophies and shit. News flash you asshole, women aren't UFC belts. Oh and how gay is the UFC?”
She must have seen the box for the new UFC video game I’d bought. I came across the realization that the UFC was semi-homoerotic when I spent 15 minutes trying to find the right hair/beard combo for my shirtless, oiled avatar. 
“Ok, so I’m a chauvinistic asshole who may or may not be gay. I’ll buy all of that.” I crawl over next to her and tuck myself under the covers. “But that doesn't explain why we did the nasty.”
“Heh, it wasn't that nasty. It was almost sweet.” She says nestling herself under my arm. ‘Almost sweet’? I play the words over in my head. Had I been ‘almost sweet’ with this concubine of the sea?
“Well yeah, but if my ‘Get it’ face didn't….get ya, what did?” I ask her.
“Heh, do you really wanna know?”
“I’m askin’ ain’t I?”
“Well I went to the bathroom for a piss…”
“Classy.” I interject.
“Yeah, I’ll tell you how classy it got, I’m in the bathroom taking a piss and I hear some sniffling coming from behind the shower curtain. I’m thinking it about to be like a cat, or some drunk bitch on the phone with her boyfriend. Turns out it was a drunk bitch, you.”
“Oh God.” I feel myself imploding from embarrassment. Mortified by the fact I was seen drunk crying in a bathtub. The egg on my face was thick enough to scramble. 
“Ha, yeah. You big bitch. And when I asked you what the hell you were crying for you crawl out of the tub, and start hugging me. While my vag is out, while I’m peeing. And you know how hot vodka pee is, you were down there, breathing it in. Crying. It was pitiful.” 
“I’m going to fucking hang myself.” I balk.
“Awww, poor baby.” Lindsay kisses me on the cheek.
“And that’s what got you in my bed.”
“Hell no boy. That shit was pitiful. But after a few minutes of crying on my lap as I tweeted about it you looked up at me and said ‘I’m just misunderstood, like you are.’ And in the last 3 years I've known you, I've heard you say a lot of bullshit. But that sentence, it was the most sincere thing I think you've said since you were a little kid.”
I look at her for a minute, her purple painted nails plucking away at her phone. Her skin is dry but still smooth. Her hair, dyed blonde, straightened, and primarily synthetic, is messy but in its catastrophe there is an authentic wonderfulness. Which is what Lindsay is in as a whole, un-apologetically authentic. She is a human for the first time in my eyes. And I begin to pity myself for how shallow I am. I feel very small and shamed and despicable. Se shows me on her phone her tweets from the previous night. They read, in sequence; 
Omfg, is this nigga crying in the tub. What the ever loving fuck is going on.
And I’m taking a piss ya’ll #whyme
Wiped his snot on his sleeve. Remind me never to touch him.
He just got up out the tub and is now curled up around my legs like a dog. Should I be alarmed.
My life right now. (Attached to this post was a picture of me buried between her bare thighs.)
You know what? At least I’m getting something honest from someone for once. He may be a drunk with a dimly lit future, but this is a real moment we are having. 
Would it be slutty to kiss him? #toolate.

“It was crazy.” Lindsay sighs.
“I see.”

I felt a sinking guilt for all my assumptions and indiscretions. Like a sock turned inside out, all the broken toe nails fell out and I was absolved of all the hate I had for this girl. Women carry with them and in them a silent and magnanimous weight. They combat society expectations, and us men, in our fraternity of idiocy, ever hating and raging against and defiling their divinity. I heavy hatred filled my heart of everything that was the common 'man' The male brain seemed subversive and sordid.
“ What ever happened to you and Elliot?” I said, trying to shake my own miserableness.
“Random.”
“You don’t have to answer.” I say.
“He was too much, entirely too soon. Ya know?”
“Yeah.” And I did know the sentiment. It had happened to me many times, girls passionate and rapacious with their hugs and kisses that seemed like a straggle hold or a rigid decade long cell phone contract. Clinginess is to romance, has lions are to blind gazelles.
“And after awhile I started to hate his face. His beard, the way he ironed his pants. I hated all the shit I started to date him for. It was just, ickkk. I don’t know. I sound like a bitch don't I?”
“That isn't necessarily and bad thing. It sucks that women can't air grievances without being looked at negatively.”
“'Air grievances.' What a dorky thing to say.”
“Pitfalls of being a writer.” I say, feeling a little foolish. In my dealings with woman I am often cautious of my vocabulary.
“ I'm not going to catch anything am I?” Lindsay says looking at me with squinted eyes and her mouth open. Her lips are full and pink, her skin is still made up from last night. I look at my pillowcase and see that it has brown smudges on it. Make up stains on pillow cases are like Sasquatch footprints in the forest. Evidence of something mystical.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Yeah but I asked you first?” She says after she punches my arm and gives a faint smile.
“Well, no.” I say, as is customary in with generation. A kindly denial if ignorant, a text message after if lying.
“Good. You won’t either.”
We sit in bed for a while longer, talking. The morning drifts into afternoon and when our hangovers crescendo and fade we decide to get lunch. We put on clothes, dawn our sun glasses and walk to Vietnamese restaurant and the intersection of Claremont and North, a half block away from apartment. When we get there she stops at the door, waiting for me to open it. It makes us both feel good.
We get to the restaurant and we ask the cashier at the counter for a large order of the Vietnamese chicken I had recommend while back in my house. We sit and wait for our food.  Lauren began to cough, and in these coughs you could hear the saliva collecting in her throat, the body’s natural defenses against bacteria. This cough persists for a few minutes and I believe it to be the chilly October air but then her face, that copper face begins to redden and puff. By the time our food gets to the table Lauren is tomato crimson and is sweating.
“Are you okay?” Our waitress asks, looking worried.
“I don’t know.” Lauren gurgles.
“Shit.” I say, remembering that three hours earlier I had marinated her undergarments in cat cooties. We are given the choice to own up to the many actions we do in this life that can with an easier stroke, fade into anonymity. As we poke our heads through the birth canal of adulthood, we see the light and its blinding and we desire to retreat back into the gooey womb of childhood. But in this age, with this beard on my chin and these loans and debts that menaces and follows me like an 18-wheeler on a desolate rode at night, I knew I had to be a man. I grab Lindsay's hand.
“Lindsay, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” She says, it seems that with each passing millisecond she puffs more, and becomes redder, as if she is ripening.
“I rubbed a cat on your underwear.”
“You did what?!?!” She began to hack, ironically, like a cat with a hairball.
“Yeah, I thought you were a witch. I don’t know. It was a shitty prank. I was drunk.”
“You fucking idiot. I’m going to kill you.” Lauren gurgles while lunging for my neck with her hands out . Out of fear, I swat her away, with maybe to much force as she falls to the floor of the restaurant. The waitress along with a couple by the window look on in reserved horror.