We got married on the bathroom floor....

NOTE: Me and my good friend Justin are working on this stand up routine and this was the first exercise

Adam on his future
I'd really like to be a super villain when I get older. With a cape, menacing helmet, huge castle, pet crow the whole shebang. Not that I'm a particular evil guy, I just dig capes and wouldn't mind ruling the world.(Well most of it, I want nothing to do with Mexico.) Most super villains are egotistical maniacs who have a strong resentment for society. I like to think of writers that way also. I mean, we (writers) basically talk on a page, and expect people to not only pay money for our ramblings but to adore us as well. And have you ever talked to a writer who is “accomplished”, their heads are so far up theirs asses they are (1) Shitting out their glasses (2) they are re eating the spaghetti they had the night before. It's like, So what you have a haiku published in the fucking red eye, you are still a talentless hack with played out prose and back acne. Ok, I don't know if you have back acne but your shit is still boring.

Adam on food;
Bagels are the gay cousins of doughnuts. I think it's weird that sloppy joes don't have a formal name, could you imagine a demure dignified french waiter telling saying “Here is your piene a la ebbta, your Chardonnay and a sloppy joe. Enjoy madame.” The only thing I wouldn't like about being a super villain is not being able to walk into white castle or Wendie's anymore. My evil lair would be a castle floating above the Mediterranean sea and I'd probably be wanted by law enforcement so dining in at Dennys would be out the question. If I had a choice between a million dollars or 63 million chocolate turtles, I'd take the money but it would take at least a half an hour deliberation. “So wait, let me get this straight. Money, green paper, dead guys faces, the stuff that makes the world go round or Chocolate turtles? The delicious chocolate, peanut butter and nougat delicacies? Ah, shit I'm gonna...I'm gonna need a minute for this one. Can I call someone, phone a friend. I'm gonna have to get some counseling before I make an educated decision...”

Adam on fashion:
In my generation pants mean way to much. Prejudice of pants. Blasphemy in britches. Tyranny for trousers. (in)Justice against jeans. People even go as far as to assume your sexuality based on your the tightness of one pants. Friends of mine have gotten into fights over the bagginess of skinniness of jeans. I never understood physical violence in relation to fashion, that is until I saw red skinny jeans. I don't know, maybe I'm half bull and the color red gets me volatile but the first dude I saw in red jeans I was so outraged there is no combination of words to . I mean, are you in a ballet? Are you going to wear face paint and a green wig to complete your clown outfit? There is only one man allowed to wear red pants and that is the Red Ranger, and even that goofy nigga didn't wear them off duty.

Adam on girls;
IF YOU HAVE A VAGINA YOU RULE THE WORLD. Serious. Don't believe me ladies, try it out. Next time you are getting ready for sex, right before the show starts, so to speak, whisper in his ear “Do the dishes and like a zombie on meth he blinding follow any order. Take it from me, my dick was harder than a rubix cube as I scrubbed away at a gravy stained plate for this girl. I go back in the room and this bitch has her pajamas on sound asleep. So I jerk off on the plates and head home. Women are also stronger than even they may realize, child birth being the common prime example. But there is other evidence of their un-holy strength. Brazilian waxes being one that springs to mind. Girls actually lay down and have a piece of tape with hot wax ripped of their booty holes so that they aren't hairy, (and if you don't you should because hairy booty holes are a deal breaker.) High heels, braziers, thongs all incredibly uncomfortable articles of clothing. I met a girl in Atlanta with double Ds who could sleep on her back because she might have breathing complications and die. Woman cope with all this shit and then dudes get mad when they don't respond to “Hey baby.” And what about knee strength. The average human has too pee pee 2-3 times a day. Girls were blessed/cursed with vagina's meaning they have to bend their knees every time they need to urinate so by the time a girl is 22 she can knee a guy in the nuts and make him choke.

Adam on writing;
My biggest fear in life is that in 20 years I won't matter. I'm terrified of being irrelevant. I have to matter. I think the meaning of life is to affect the lives of as many people as possible,. I need to write because if I don't I'll burst into flames (literally). Writing is like cutting a vein and bleeding, it's so raw. It is who you are at that exact moment. You can't write for fame, or money or women. I write because if I don't I might as well not exist. It's truly all I got. I'm grateful for every laugh, cringe, sigh and tear that my writing causes. It ain't easy, and most of the time it ain't very much fun but at the end, when you look at the collection of verbs and adjectives and nouns and emotions that you wrote, it's nirvana. It's self expression second, self preservation first. If I don't write all these thoughts would eat me alive. There is nothing worse to me than words unspoken.