Opps, my phones ringing. Let me just…..*Zip*

I think I speak for most males when I say “I have too much shit in my pockets.” Wallet, cell phone, keys, tissue, candy treats, Ipod, chap stick, gum. Etc etc etc. The modern male simply carries to many objects in his pockets, and with fashion progressing and leading us toward tighter, more form fitting jeans, pocket space is fleeting and becoming a hot commodity. I mean sure, some shirts have breast pockets. But reaching into a pocket on a shirt makes you seem nerdy and creepy. The only thing a man should store that close to his heart are cigarettes and wallet sized pictures of naked girls. Some hoodies have those weird kangaroo pouch things. But before you go stuffing your blackberry and ball points in there listen to this; Last semester I was running down Harrison to catch a bus. I was wearing a hoodie that I had my wallet in. During the run the contents of my man pouch got all jumbled up until it eventually fell out. My coins then feel to ground and rolled off in infinite directions like roaches scattering at the flick of a light. Anyone who has lived in Chicago for an hour knows that homeless people here can smell loose unclaimed change, and with in seconds the dollar and 67 cents I dropped had vanished. Stolen by bums, I even saw a pigeon swoop down and fly off with a few dimes in his talons. “So, if hoodies don’t work and if breast pockets look weird, then were am I to keep my valuables?” you may ask. Two Words, Two Hilarious Words. Fanny Pack. I know what you are thinking; “Adam, you’ve really out gayed yourself this time.” My advice to you is to grow up, and get with the times. The world is an ever evolving, constantly ascending place were norms and stereotypes are shattered and carried away with harsh winds everyday. Men, Fanny Packs are the future of modern fashion, modern comfort and the best tool of the modern man. Everything you could desire bundled up and protected by a little bitty zipper. The one stop shop for the man on the go. With a girl you like and things are getting heavy? Girl: Oh man, you’re so hot and powerful and tall. But do you have…protection? Simply unzip your waist companion, grab the contraceptive of your choice, and commence the humping. Talking to a friend but his breath is terrible? Look to comfy, convenient, carry case close to your cock for a stick of tasty double mint, teeth whiting joy, The Fanny Pack, for when pockets are to little but a briefcase is too much. The Fanny Pack, if a belt and a purse had a child, it would be this. The Fanny Pack, Because it draws attention away your crossed eyes and acne.